I am an engineer. I live for the scientific method, designing experiments, manipulating variables, testing responses. I don't settle for just asking the questions. I go out into the world and find the answers. I am a scientist. That's the kind of nerdy stuff that gets me going. While that kind of thinking has probably driven me to be pretty successful in the academic realm, I think it has also doomed me to make so many stupid decisions. A stimulus presents itself. Past experiences have pretty much shown me that nothing good could possibly come out of it. But what do I do? I have to do whatever it is anyway because I'm dying of curiosity about what will ACTUALLY happen. Can I manipulate the situation enough to get a different result? That is the kind of thinking has unfortunately been the catalyst to a lot of unnecessary wounds to my heart/spirit.
The Achy Breaky Heart of the Scientist
The situations usually involve me fleeing my house in secret – giving no one clue to my whereabouts. The entire time I travel to the next destination the sane part of me is literally screaming "Turn around, Karen!….What are you doing, Karen?….Stop!….No….Why are you still walking, Karen?…." But of course, I ignore those wise warnings. I have to keep going and discover first hand. I am a scientist.
No matter how well the situation plays itself out, you know the fall is coming. Even if it happens at the very end. Very rarely will all the past experiences the gave you the theories in the first place be proven wrong. But it's just that thought…that possibility…that 'what if?'….Regardless how minuscule that chance is, it's going to keep leading me to temporary moments of insanity. I am a scientist.