Hunger Pangs and Sexual Harassment

PIIMS Last night, as I was zooming home in my car at 9 PM, a half-eaten banana resting on the passenger seat, I developed a theory: Level of driving safety and hunger are inversely related. When hungry I drive at least 10 mph faster, am 78% more aggressive at claiming the right of way, make 2X more yellow light close calls, and do bizarre dance moves like imitating a bra lasso while I'm navigating the residential roads that lead to my house. At one red light when I braved another nibble on the aforementioned banana, I remembered why I try not to eat bananas in public. A muddy truck with three guys in self mutilated black t-shirts with the sleeves torn off pulled up beside me and started to holler. 

So why was I so hungry last night? For that, I will have to thank 'corporate' America again, because I was hired. And because minimum wage employees get the shaft in all parts of their lives, I have to work weird house like 4-9pm with no break – a time interval that spans every reasonable dinner hour and leaves me about to gnaw off my fingers when I get off my shift. 

The most I'll disclose on the Internet is that I'm working a retail job at a department store. I feel like I'll have lots of fun stories over the next few weeks and I don't want to risk premature termination by disclosing too much on such a public forum. So far the job is good – I've been watching training videos and not interacting with the public at all. And yesterday, my dream of starring in a sexual harassment video was rekindled. I feel like the girls in those are never that hot, so I think I have a decent chance of telling someone they have 'bedroom eyes' on a crusty VHS tape some day. 

I failed my sexual harassment follow-up questions pretty miserably. I was particularly bad at determining whether something was legit harassment and what I should do about it – I was too lenient. I mean, if some cute guy from the warehouse said I was looking fine today, that would probably make my day. I definitely wouldn't call a hot line about it. I'm honestly more creeped out about being called sweetie by my boss. I think harassment is one of those things like sex on TV (hello HBO and FX!), cell phones in class, and violent video games that just have different norms these days. I mean, the Quizno's commercials say "Put it in me, Scott," and honestly, I'm glad they do. A little sexual harassment never hurt anyone. 

2 responses to “Hunger Pangs and Sexual Harassment

  1. “Scott, I want you to do something for me…”
    “Not doin’ that again, I burned.”
    “We both enjoyed that.”
    GOD that commercial kills me…but doesn’t really qualify for “a little sexual harassment”…more like “the most homoerotic commercial ever. Everything about that commercial screams “phallus”! For months I refused to get the toasty torpedo at Quiznos…eventually I relented because it looked so damn tasty, but I still hesitate before eating one because it makes me remotely uncomfortable. Also, it’s not nearly as big as it looks on TV (that’s what sheeeee said…now THAT’S sexual harassment). I could seriously scarf down 3 of them in less time than it takes Sarah McGlaughlin to write another song about abused puppies.
    Also on the topic of sexual harassment, while I was researching cases for a pre-trial class (we were doing a mock sexual harassment case, actually…Title VII is a bitch…oh, wait, is that sexual harassment too?), I came across a sexual harassment tale that probably still qualifies under any norm. A woman working at the post office got a call one day from her boss, who was taking a sick day. He asked her if she knew how to get to his house. She said no, so he told her to take down directions. When she’d finished, he said “Alright Julie…now I don’t give a shit about what anybody at work thinks, but you get over here right now, because I wanna make love to you all day long.” See, apparently, by sick day, he had stayed up all night drinking, and was still drunk, and decided it’d be a swell idea to have sex with one of his employees. All day long. And I think…yeah, that qualifies as sexual harassment. But I agree with you, a little bit of…insensitivity never hurt anyone, speaking as someone who’s probably at least as likely as anyone to drop a racy joke at the wrong moment. So kudos for being an enlightened woman of the new millennium, where people shouldn’t have to be such tight asses about everything.

  2. Ahahaha I loved this post, but loved hearing about the banana encounter in person too.

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