The other night my friend Kerri and I went to the dog track and joined a group of guys on a bachelor party. The dog track is like an Atlantic City ghetto casino without the free drinks. In typical going out in West Virginia fashion, some rando guy pulled me off to the side to chat. And in typical group of guys fashion, once I was chatted to, I was isolated from the pack – everyone moseyed away and I was forced to continue conversation with him whether I wanted to or not. I kept trying to feign interest in the view from the window in front of me, but considering there was nothing but a barren track and no doggies running, it was hard to pull that off for long.
So why exactly did I not want to talk to this dude? For one, he was wearing a SHELL NECKLACE. Shell necklace boys make me want to vom in my mouth a little bit. For two, he had those crusty bangs (second that vom-motion). For three, he wanted me to be impressed that he was from St. Albans (which is in know way comparable with South Hills, Come on!). I mean, you probably don’t know Charleston, WV geography, but trust me on this third point. St. Albans doesn’t cut it.
Although I’m pretty shallow on the inside (I like my types), I’m pretty nice on the outside (like a gusher?). So I went with it and did the nice chat chat thing. But somehow that night, I jokingly said I like virgins and cliche’s. I think he’d said something bad about virgins and I wanted to defend them and somehow make myself worse in his eyes. I lived to regret that statement. Shell necklace man preceded to tell that to everyone around us. Then every guy in the group would put their arm around me and pronounce himself a virgin. After maybe the 4th time, I couldn’t take it anymore and screamed: “You are creeping me out!!!!” and ran into the arms of the Bradley Cooper lookalike who was who I really wanted to talk to the whole time. Le Sigh.
Bradley Cooper comforted me with shots the size of normal solo cups. But, Shell necklace man snapped and was visibly upset about the creepy thing. I WOULD feel bad, but brother was trying way to hard and I like my men to be of the nerdy (Re: Educated) variety. I’ve dated the other kind, so I think I’ve earned the right to be shallow in some areas.
And this, my friends, is probably the most exciting thing that’s happened to me all summer.