Butterfly Fly Away

My dad just really really yelled at my mom. It makes me so angry. It makes me even angrier when I think about the reason for the yelling and how trivial it is in the long run. Does it really matter whose name is on the phone plan bills if I’m going to be the one paying for it? I’ve just been sitting here for the last hour at a loss for words.  I just have no patience for yelling and fighting and anger. It paralyzes me, makes me cry, and makes me feel so weak. Why can’t these people see reason? Yelling just makes communication break down. All you are left with is defensive and sad people – people incapable of forming solutions. Besides, what is done is done – a sunk cost – and no use  crying over spilt milk.

If this is how marriage ends up, I don’t ever want to be a part of it. It feels like an impossible task to find older and happy married couples. For me, it seems like being a part of a family means hiding a great deal of who you really are to keep everyone happy. I can’t do it for much longer. The responsibility of tiptoeing through my life to keep people from yelling is wearing me out.

I hide in my room hoping no one will need me for anything.

I definitely feel like it’s time for this baby bird to leave the nest for good. It feels like an ending.

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2 responses to “Butterfly Fly Away

  1. This post made me sad.

    I know that we get our most intimate look at marriages within our own families. It sure sounds like, for you, that must be very disheartening. For me, it’s somewhat the opposite…all I can really tell you is that there really are great ones out there. I guess there’s two ways you can go…either giving in to the idea that marriages never pan out very well in the end, or promising yourself that you’ll never end up like your parents. I think if you go with the former you’d be really limiting your potential for happiness…but I can see why right now you would be feeling somewhat despairing. Anyways, I hope posting about it was therapeutic to some extent.

    On a side note, I miss talking.

    • I am trying to keep believing. I basically wrote this to get the thoughts out of the dead space in my head. Writing is one of the best ways for me to really figure out what I feel about things. Often just putting it down on ‘paper’ helps me move on a little bit.

      I miss talking too. I haven’t signed on to aim all summer. No one’s on it anymore it seems.

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