Category Archives: Adulthood Angst

Post College Angst Brain Dump

Hey gentlereaders. So I kind of disappeared there for a while eh? Yeah, once I developed food poisoning at the beginning of January I figured there was only so much empathy I could ask you folks to feel after the strep Christmas hospital incident, so I just layed low. During my absence, I was having a rough patch in my relationship with Charlottesville. I didn’t feel like I got the break I wanted and being around the family for an extended period always makes me a little angsty. Then one day my roommate pointed out how I was beginning to show some signs of depression. When someone close to you points out something like that, it’s hard to put on the mask again. I broke down on the phone with a friend, and then just decided to do my best to turn things around. I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. I go to movies, I started going to a really great yoga class on Sunday afternoons, I go to the gym almost every day now, I started making some new friends here. Things are still not great, but I’m trying. Even if I’m exploring the world solo, at least I’m no longer moping and staying cooped up in the apartment.

A friend of mine left the program a week or so ago. That bummed me out more than I ever thought it would. Besides my roommate, he was probably my closest friend here. We had all our classes together and for half the semester we were in the same lab. I didn’t get to see him before he left since it happened pretty suddenly – no goodbye. I guess he wasn’t happy here. But, him leaving stirred up a lot of the issues I’m dealing with too. It was like a new path opened up to me that looked pretty seductive. But honestly, I would be miserable at home in Charleston (I can’t go back to being a customer service drone at Kohls, ick) and anywhere I move to I’d be facing these same emotions. The ‘right after college’ time is difficult. My older friends from Penn warned me of this. Unless you are in a big graduate program, meeting people is tough after college. You have to try way harder for smaller rewards. And honestly, the transition they gave us for the program I’m in was non-existent. Just one awkward mumbling of names on the first day and then we all scattered off to our respective laboratories. So not cool.

One of the lab techs today made a comment along the lines of, “You’re in graduate school, you’re supposed to be unhappy.” That kind of pissed me off. I feel like personal happiness should never be postponed. 5+ years of misery is not a fair price to pay for a Ph. D.  No one is getting any younger and you should take advantage of the years you are given. I honestly admire anyone with the conviction to make a U-turn in hopes of building a more fulfilling life. It’s something I may have to think of soon. But I’m at least going to give it my all until my masters, because I realize that getting adjusted to young adulthood and a new place is not an easy task.

So these are the downer thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. It’s tough to be an extrovert sometimes. I need so much human contact to feel fulfilled. Science is a lonely world. People had warned me of that before graduate school, but it’s different living it. I know things are going to get better once I feel more secure and adjusted. I have such high expectations for myself. I need to learn to seek help more and take advantage of the scientific community.

Wow, what a ramble, but it feels good to get it out.

It’s All Over Now….

So dude….the holiday season is over and I really don’t feel like I got to enjoy it.

1.  Finals ate up much of the early December time when I should have been sipping warm holiday beverages, trimming trees, and listening to carols in a frenzy of stress and angst.

2. A blizzard delayed my journey home, creating more stress and angst. My car is still in C-ville, hopefully no longer stuck….

3. My family is small and isolated – just me and my parents.

4. I’m older and single – Christmas has kind of lost its magic. At this age I feel like it’s hard to get into the spirit when you’re living your own single life.

5. Streptococci party of several billion in my throat on Christmas morning.

I honestly just feel like I missed out, and that this break wasn’t all I’d hoped it to be. Maybe I’m just too old for it all anyway. I hope not. I’ll just have to try again next year….

On Christmas Eve I tried watching Christmas movies and decorating a gingerbread house to gain some spirit and cheer, but even that fell kind of flat. I think the holidays are really about the people, and at this point of the life it’s not happening for me.

A Lot of Cold Air

UGH! I am frustrated. Being a single female trying to make it on her own is seriously annoying sometimes. It makes me wish I was one of those people that got married off at a young age. I have so many things that I would much rather a man do for me, and today that thing was putting air in my tires.

Since it got really cold this week, I figured it was about time to check the tires since I haven’t thought anything about them since…ever? That’s what dads are for right? Low and behold I check them and they are at around 10 psi when they should be 30-37. FUCK ME. I thought the gauge was broken. I’m surprised my tires weren’t totally flat. So, out of desperation I decided to drive to the auto place to pay some professionals to take care of me. But no. Apparently every bitch and two of their moms were out on the roads doing god knows what (but most likely something involving christmas). With the stand still traffic there was no way I was going to make it there before the car place closed.

So I took a spontaneous left turn, went on some back roads until I saw the neon green mecca that is a BP station. I basically parked my car obnoxiously in front of the air machine and made googly eyes at everyone around the gas station. Eventually an older man (and his hot son……disclaimers….) stopped by me and within 5 minutes all my tires were alive again. I think my car seriously grew a foot taller.

But can I say meh? Although my feminine wiles (LOL) and damsel in distress vibes are apparently a functional way to solve problems, it’s seriously frustrating at the same time. I just hate having to rely on other people. And…I think I hate cars. I felt like an idiot pouting at this old man saying I’d never filled a tire before, please help me, blink blink. And, to be honest, I did shed a couple tears in front of him. No one can resist a sad girl with cute boots who doesn’t understand heavy machinery? But, I felt like a major spaz (MAJOR SPAZ ::salute::). I’m trying to just think of the end result, which is: My tires are safe and appropriately filled and you didn’t pay anyone.

But Damn. I can’t wait til I have man to do shit like this for me and all I’ll have to do is make brownies and put out. I can handle that.

Score: PV=nRT =1, Karen = 0, Feminism = -4